A Modi fantasy

Exclusive: WikiLeaks reveal that the Congress is exploring ways to scupper Narendra Modi; a quandary that has been plaguing party think tanks ever since opinion polls predicted a landslide win for the BJP in Gujarat. A top-secret meeting of senior Congress leaders was convened recently at the Congress War Room at the Ford Foundation office canteen at 12, Hailey Road instead of 15, Rakabganj Road on the recommendation of LAMP fellows on the foundation’s payroll who are advising MPs.

Cable 1: Dinner at 7 Race Course Road. Rahul Gandhi to US ambassador: “They serve lasagna at the canteen, while all you get at Rakabganj is chhole bhature.”

Robert Vadra: “Why not hold the meeting at the DLF offices in Gurgaon?”

RG: “Oh, shut up, who do you think you are? The top brass?”

RV: “What happens in Moradabad stays in Moradabad.”

Cable 2: Rahul in conversation with trusted aide Kanishka Singh at the Hailey Road meet. For lunch, he opts for chow mein (“I’ve had enough of sphagetti straps at parties.”)

RG: “Chow mein gives me an idea. Haven’t the Chinese released maps showing Arunachal as part of China?”

KS: “Yes. In retaliation, our cartography department is drawing up maps showing Tibet as a part of Amethi.”

RG: “Excellent. Now, let’s draw up a map declaring that Gujarat is not part of India.”

KS: “That’s sedition, boss!”

RG: “Gujarat’s annual growth rate is more than 10 per cent while India’s is only 6.1 per cent. Gujarat bagged over Rs 120.34 lakh crore, or 13.52 per cent of total investments in the country while FDI declined over 65 per cent in India. 73 per cent of Gujaratis approve of Modi while only 10 per cent of Indians approve of Manmohan.”

KS: “What’s the advantage?”

RG: “I won’t have to campaign in Gujarat and you won’t have to write my speeches. While Modi is sweating it out campaigning, I can happily sweat it out at the Amatra gym. Howzzat for strategy?”

KS: “I don’t think MEA will approve of the Congress party interfering in Gujarat’s internal affairs. Can’t you think of something else?”

RG: “I can always take Prince William with me to stay in some adivasi village in Gujarat.”

KS: “Won’t work, boss. The population in Gujarat living below the poverty line has come down from 39 per cent to 26 per cent.”

RG: (annoyed) “Kanishka, you are fired and will be exiled to the Rajya Sabha.” (turning to Digvijaya) “Mentorji, can’t you come up with something?”

DS: “Yesterday, the Gujarat cops intercepted and killed a dengue mosquito which was going to bite Narendra Modi. If it’s the same mosquito that bit Ajmal Kasab, I’ll rush off to Azamgarh and declare it a fake encounter, in which the right of the mosquito had been violated.”

Sonia Gandhi: (interrupting) “Dengue mosquitoes are not a minority, there are too many of them.”

DS: “Sanjeev Bhatt is alleging a conspiracy. He alleges that Modi was even present during the encounter. Let’s ask for a JPC on the mosquito death.”

Salman Khurshid rushes in, waving photos of the dead mosquito. Sonia starts crying. Salman is triumphant.

SG: “Get out of my face,” (wiping her face), “I’m laughing, and not crying.”

DS: “Arvind Kejriwal has promised to reveal the mosquito’s name soon. Kejri claims he has proof that the same mosquito had also bitten Nitin Gadkari.”

At this point Kapil Sibal interrupts.

Sibal: “Famigliaji, I’ll ask Maharashtra cops to arrest everyone who ‘Likes’ Modi on Facebook. Most of the country will be in jail and Modi will lose. We’ll be back in 2014. (turning to Rahul) And you can be PM this time.”

Applause all around, while the sound of gentle snoring can be heard coming from a corner.

SG: “Oh, let Manmohanji sleep. He keeps dreaming he is the prime minister.”

At which point, enters a mosquito, buzzing.

ravi@newindianexpress.com